Hey?

[citizendamian]

To etre_libre:

Are you at work right now? I'm running on kind of weird amounts of sleep, but I could bring by a book and some coffee. The walk may do me some good.

Comments

[citizendamian]

"I fear most of my political stuff wasn't Lorenan to start with or in German. Which is great if you want a sentence to stretch a paragraph, but not - necessarily portable." Damian slides his books over. "Still, I'd be interested to check out what you brought? I'm ... honestly not sure if there's anything I should avoid reading. And it's better to find out, right?"

Damian hesitates as he decides which is the good spot to sit. "Not exactly, uh - dignified, I guess, but it was comfortable." He probably shouldn't - or should he? Talk about the fact that he's been kind of hiding in the closet occasionally when it just was too bright and he didn't want to touch the light switch?

"Dr. Joly was asking me to think about ... what felt safe. Which is odd to wrap my brain around, to be honest. How are you two doing?"

[etre_libre]

"Oh I know that feeling." Combeferre laughs a bit at the mention of sentences that stretch. "Jehan's friends with a few of the Romantics. Some of their sentences can go for days. I've watched him work on commentary." he adds, a little grin on his face. "Apparently it's very long going. And German...Courfeyrac's ex roommate translates. And I think that may be a good idea. Reading is...it should be safe enough. You can stop it any time you wish to and it IS completely under your control. Would you like something to drink? Coffee or tea if we can find it?"

***

"Dignity." Enjolras shakes his head a little. "Sometimes can be found in the weirdest places. I wouldn't worry too much about that. And we've..." he stops, unsure of how to go into it. "It's felt odd, a bit disconnected from the rest of the world somehow. Do you..."

[citizendamian]

"Coffee would be -" Damian trails off and his hand's definitely shaking a little more there. "Yeah. Like you aren't really in your body."

His memories of Enjolras mostly feature the color blotches of his clothes (a necktie? cravat?) and bright hair. His voice. Hector threatening him. Sort of a crease above his eyebrows like he had a headache. Did he get drugged too? Does he have a scar on his arm - "I remember kind of - Yvette got me out and was trying to convince me to run with her toward the landing bays. I remember her hand on mine? And I felt that. But no real feeling like the rest of me was - me."

He tries a lopsided smile. He's not exactly going to say what worked for him, because ... the guy reads burrowing in a soft quiet dim corner of the ship as being dignified. Who knows what 'a hug is nice' is read as. Declaration of intent to fight to the end? "Denial? I guess. Pushing ahead when you don't want to? I found some things helped. If ... that's what you have."

[thechief]

Enjolras nods as Combeferre darts off to grab them something to start then, and he's left to wonder if this was some sort of Combeferre scheme. It has the makings of one, but it's oddly sophisticated for him to pull off without being obvious. Courfeyrac's input might be involved here, he decides, but really, that isn't that important.

Most of what he remembers from being on Lorena is vague but with not quite as much of a blur to it. He suspects that he was probably given something, because he couldn't FIGHT after a point, no matter how angry he was, and that's definitely not down to Hector's influence by any means.

Thankfully, he looks better than he did at the time, at least, with his ring back on his finger, and the hoops back in his ears and he's feeling steadier but also just...confused about the whole thing.

"It's so strange." He says now. "It's taken a lot of attempting to make sense of the experience. I was ANGRY more than anything and I still am, but there was not much to be DONE about it. I've had a lot of questions to ask myself since. And I don't have words so much as feelings about what the whole thing did to me. Ah denial." That gets a bit of a smile. "Something like that, certainly. I'm told I AM good at it."

And sometimes hugs CAN be just that, actually. Contexts are a funny thing.

[citizendamian]

"I don't -" Damian trails off. "I recognize your voice, but something -"

He takes his glasses off and - yeah, something still looks a little different. Earrings, maybe. The lights would've definitely hit them. "Either way, I'm glad you're out?"

He looks the way that Combeferre scooted off. "I think I'm getting told we should talk awkwardly." Damian runs a hand through his hair. "Skin contact. Or well - contact contact. I mean -" He's talking too fast. "It helps. Reminds me stuff is real. Gets me to focus on something. Do you still feel like you're not - here? Or not being - uh - here correctly?"

[thechief]

"Something..." Enjolras turns his head a little, and his hair is catching more light too, which probably helps with the distinction. He's also in a few more layers today, and yeah, everything else. "They DID strip me of personal effects, which probably has a bit to do with it. It seems so stupid but..." He's tugging at an earring idly. "Whenever I have lacked resolve...they remind me of someone I admire very much." he adds, looking rather solemn for a moment there, before it passes.

"it's good to see you out too. And probably. This has Courfeyrac's influence written all over it too." Enjolras adds, shaking his head a it. "And contact, contact. I can do that. I think." He's reminding himself to meet Damian's eyes here, not so much out of nerves at least as far as that goes. "I wish sorting out feelings was so easy. But yes, it's like some part of me is still somewhere else."

[citizendamian]

Damian nods. "I didn't see the earrings, I don't think." He slides his hand across the table a little. "So - what seems to help? Or are you still struggling to put words to it?"

He looks down at his hand. "The - hand thing. Yvette'd do that a lot. She had a bad heart. Still does, but it's better now? So checking pulse or holding someone's hand was - something that was a comforting thing as a kid. I was younger than her and didn't get that she was sick exactly. But I understood holding hands."

[thechief]

"They had them, and my ring." Enjolras frowns a little at the memory of that. As much as he doesn't have a lot of actual vanities as such, those things are all nearly vital to who he IS that it had felt just...wrong without them. "It's funny, how much more myself I feel. Though maybe that's why."

He doesn't tack more on there, though it's pretty clear the context, he assumes. It's a way you can strip people down, after all.

"The struggle. Being ANGRY at myself. Which I know to be completely irrational." He shakes his head a little. "I am hoping at that it passes. And ah...I can see that making sense."

[citizendamian]

Damian smiles a little. "I think it will? Joly did not think ... he spent far too long telling me that half the things I was worried about were normal."

He takes a deep breath and leans to pick up one of Enjolras' books to blindly look at the cover. He should put his glasses back on. "It helped, you know? Having someone show up who wasn't IntSec or the outside technicians with the odd uniforms. And you were instantly angry for me. I mean ... you looked at what was there and thought it wrong. I didn't have to try to get you to believe that it was wrong."

[thechief]

"They are, probably." Enjolras nods at that. "He's been telling me similar things to it, honestly. Not about the anger but about FEELINGS and things." He hasn't shared that much information with anybody really. He hasn't wanted to be a bother, after all.

"It was good not to be alone." Enjolras speaks quietly, but there's a lot of force with the words. "I would not have managed well alone, I think. And I had to be angry. They were doing something wrong that you did not deserve. Why would I not?"

[citizendamian]

Damian tucks his glasses back on and eyes the room. He could suggest - but - moving toward a corner to lie low might not be what Enjolras would like. "Feelings? I'm not really sure how I should feel. I mean ...."

He gestures. "Give me half a chance, and I'd happily try to tell you everything I'm angry about or happy about, and at the same time, right now, I'd kind of want to tug the chairs to a corner and hide half behind you like that'd change things. At once. I think that's - not normal, but not wrong?"

He's trying to find words for it. "Like if you burn yourself, the next time you touch the pan carefully? And yet, you still probably swear at it at the time?"

[thechief]

"I think...that IS part of it, yes." Enjolras agrees, nodding firmly. "It's as though being angry feels wrong, but I have no idea what I might even start replacing it with." That makes sense, doesn't it? "I think Joly would say there IS no one way to feel about this sort of thing. That it's to do with having experienced something harmful..." He's trying to remember the words used after their first group rally went out of hand and a few people had gotten rather seriously hurt, mostly notably Bahorel and Bossuet and Courfeyrac.

"I can certainly listen," He adds, smiling. "Or run into the corner with you. Whichever one might help more. And that...I do know what you mean. Being careful doesn't stop the burn."

[citizendamian]

"Sometimes you're just angry because it - I think Yvette is. She's angry that I suddenly lost a couple weeks, my job, my home -" His bank accounts, though a lot of that was in company stock.

Damian smiles at him. "But - angry too that it's change. Even if it's better. Here is not Lorena Station. Probably ten times better for my health. And well - I've got a future that isn't a narrow dating pool of the other families or imported technicians or the miners." Or going down to Port Martin, like his father.

"It feels like I'm being selfish. Wanting to wake up to a heavy fog day and the curtains glowing green from the light outside." Damian reaches over to pat nearish Enjolras' hand. "But it's something that's there. I miss home. I'd probably be useless if I went back there. Maybe it'll turn to sadness or something like that, but - it's valid and a real thing to admit that I'm mad."

[thechief]

"Angry that it's change..." Enjolras repeats, mulling that over thoughtfully. "It's strange. So much as we say that we WANT there to be changes in a world, often, the ones that we can't control...I see what you mean." he muses. "It's as though things slipped from our grasp a little, isn't it? If there is one thing I hate it IS being at the mercy of anyone, or forced to rely on them." he adds. "This HAS prompted a lot of that. My friends are not much inclined to leave me alone either. It's new that they care so much. I can appreciate the fact but..." He makes a little face. "it IS different." And it's a difference he didn't authorize.

This is the fear that people have about the revolution, he supposes. That enough of the people won't consent and will be forced to adapt to a new world as well. It's somewhat eye opening and not what he's learned from others about this sort of thing. It's certainly nothing he and anyone in the order have discussed before, but maybe they should start. It's definitely something for les amis to approach, themselves, when it comes to collateral damages alone.

"Even if it IS better." he agrees, his voice a little firmer now with that resolve. "In a disgusting way, I've got a bit more publicity now myself, and more of a platform." he adds, shaking his head a small bit. "And it feels the same to me, wanting to finish the assignment properly, to take off right away on more, when I should be relieved I was returned unhurt and well. I can't help but feel as if a chance at changing things was snatched away, or that I let it slip, and that fails even you. You're someone I should never...not after what you went through."

Maybe that's it then.

Idly, Enjolras wonders where Combeferre's gone off to. It usually doesn't take THIS long for the shop to brew anything, especially something simple. He's starting to smell a bit more of a rat.

[citizendamian]

"And had you stayed? They could have tried to turn us against each other. Which would've been comedic, in a horrible way." Damian's smile is a little awkward. "There's no shame in relying on people. Even if you just let them have a little, they feel like you're safer, and you have something."

He gestures vaguely in the way that Combeferre ran off. "I wouldn't have done this back on Lorena. Mostly because we probably would've had someone poking their head in by now or someone casually sitting down to listen in. But - it's different. And it's a good different. If we were sitting on crates and drinking watered down cold coffee, it's still - not be bad. Because it's you."

Damian flashes a half smile. "So should I try to find out where Combeferre ended up? Make sure no one tried to bleed on him on a day off?"

[thechief]

"They well could have. And I would not have emerged able to do anyone much good after too much." Enjolras nods. "I suppose I simply feel as though I ought have done more. Feelings." He shakes his head. "I suppose it COULD have been amusing in a way. One of those 'well, this is something we should have anticipated' sort of things. And perhaps not. I hate FEELING weak I guess. But if it helps a bit..."

It's still a little hard but hey. He knows he's lucky for it. "Because it's me." he repeats. "it IS good we've had the chance to, well, talk about all of this a little more, isn't it, now? I do half suspect Combeferre's in on some plot and has abandoned us for a while."