Hey?

[citizendamian]

To etre_libre:

Are you at work right now? I'm running on kind of weird amounts of sleep, but I could bring by a book and some coffee. The walk may do me some good.

Comments

[citizendamian]

Damian nods. "I didn't see the earrings, I don't think." He slides his hand across the table a little. "So - what seems to help? Or are you still struggling to put words to it?"

He looks down at his hand. "The - hand thing. Yvette'd do that a lot. She had a bad heart. Still does, but it's better now? So checking pulse or holding someone's hand was - something that was a comforting thing as a kid. I was younger than her and didn't get that she was sick exactly. But I understood holding hands."

[thechief]

"They had them, and my ring." Enjolras frowns a little at the memory of that. As much as he doesn't have a lot of actual vanities as such, those things are all nearly vital to who he IS that it had felt just...wrong without them. "It's funny, how much more myself I feel. Though maybe that's why."

He doesn't tack more on there, though it's pretty clear the context, he assumes. It's a way you can strip people down, after all.

"The struggle. Being ANGRY at myself. Which I know to be completely irrational." He shakes his head a little. "I am hoping at that it passes. And ah...I can see that making sense."

[citizendamian]

Damian smiles a little. "I think it will? Joly did not think ... he spent far too long telling me that half the things I was worried about were normal."

He takes a deep breath and leans to pick up one of Enjolras' books to blindly look at the cover. He should put his glasses back on. "It helped, you know? Having someone show up who wasn't IntSec or the outside technicians with the odd uniforms. And you were instantly angry for me. I mean ... you looked at what was there and thought it wrong. I didn't have to try to get you to believe that it was wrong."

[thechief]

"They are, probably." Enjolras nods at that. "He's been telling me similar things to it, honestly. Not about the anger but about FEELINGS and things." He hasn't shared that much information with anybody really. He hasn't wanted to be a bother, after all.

"It was good not to be alone." Enjolras speaks quietly, but there's a lot of force with the words. "I would not have managed well alone, I think. And I had to be angry. They were doing something wrong that you did not deserve. Why would I not?"

[citizendamian]

Damian tucks his glasses back on and eyes the room. He could suggest - but - moving toward a corner to lie low might not be what Enjolras would like. "Feelings? I'm not really sure how I should feel. I mean ...."

He gestures. "Give me half a chance, and I'd happily try to tell you everything I'm angry about or happy about, and at the same time, right now, I'd kind of want to tug the chairs to a corner and hide half behind you like that'd change things. At once. I think that's - not normal, but not wrong?"

He's trying to find words for it. "Like if you burn yourself, the next time you touch the pan carefully? And yet, you still probably swear at it at the time?"

[thechief]

"I think...that IS part of it, yes." Enjolras agrees, nodding firmly. "It's as though being angry feels wrong, but I have no idea what I might even start replacing it with." That makes sense, doesn't it? "I think Joly would say there IS no one way to feel about this sort of thing. That it's to do with having experienced something harmful..." He's trying to remember the words used after their first group rally went out of hand and a few people had gotten rather seriously hurt, mostly notably Bahorel and Bossuet and Courfeyrac.

"I can certainly listen," He adds, smiling. "Or run into the corner with you. Whichever one might help more. And that...I do know what you mean. Being careful doesn't stop the burn."

[citizendamian]

"Sometimes you're just angry because it - I think Yvette is. She's angry that I suddenly lost a couple weeks, my job, my home -" His bank accounts, though a lot of that was in company stock.

Damian smiles at him. "But - angry too that it's change. Even if it's better. Here is not Lorena Station. Probably ten times better for my health. And well - I've got a future that isn't a narrow dating pool of the other families or imported technicians or the miners." Or going down to Port Martin, like his father.

"It feels like I'm being selfish. Wanting to wake up to a heavy fog day and the curtains glowing green from the light outside." Damian reaches over to pat nearish Enjolras' hand. "But it's something that's there. I miss home. I'd probably be useless if I went back there. Maybe it'll turn to sadness or something like that, but - it's valid and a real thing to admit that I'm mad."

[thechief]

"Angry that it's change..." Enjolras repeats, mulling that over thoughtfully. "It's strange. So much as we say that we WANT there to be changes in a world, often, the ones that we can't control...I see what you mean." he muses. "It's as though things slipped from our grasp a little, isn't it? If there is one thing I hate it IS being at the mercy of anyone, or forced to rely on them." he adds. "This HAS prompted a lot of that. My friends are not much inclined to leave me alone either. It's new that they care so much. I can appreciate the fact but..." He makes a little face. "it IS different." And it's a difference he didn't authorize.

This is the fear that people have about the revolution, he supposes. That enough of the people won't consent and will be forced to adapt to a new world as well. It's somewhat eye opening and not what he's learned from others about this sort of thing. It's certainly nothing he and anyone in the order have discussed before, but maybe they should start. It's definitely something for les amis to approach, themselves, when it comes to collateral damages alone.

"Even if it IS better." he agrees, his voice a little firmer now with that resolve. "In a disgusting way, I've got a bit more publicity now myself, and more of a platform." he adds, shaking his head a small bit. "And it feels the same to me, wanting to finish the assignment properly, to take off right away on more, when I should be relieved I was returned unhurt and well. I can't help but feel as if a chance at changing things was snatched away, or that I let it slip, and that fails even you. You're someone I should never...not after what you went through."

Maybe that's it then.

Idly, Enjolras wonders where Combeferre's gone off to. It usually doesn't take THIS long for the shop to brew anything, especially something simple. He's starting to smell a bit more of a rat.

[citizendamian]

"And had you stayed? They could have tried to turn us against each other. Which would've been comedic, in a horrible way." Damian's smile is a little awkward. "There's no shame in relying on people. Even if you just let them have a little, they feel like you're safer, and you have something."

He gestures vaguely in the way that Combeferre ran off. "I wouldn't have done this back on Lorena. Mostly because we probably would've had someone poking their head in by now or someone casually sitting down to listen in. But - it's different. And it's a good different. If we were sitting on crates and drinking watered down cold coffee, it's still - not be bad. Because it's you."

Damian flashes a half smile. "So should I try to find out where Combeferre ended up? Make sure no one tried to bleed on him on a day off?"

[thechief]

"They well could have. And I would not have emerged able to do anyone much good after too much." Enjolras nods. "I suppose I simply feel as though I ought have done more. Feelings." He shakes his head. "I suppose it COULD have been amusing in a way. One of those 'well, this is something we should have anticipated' sort of things. And perhaps not. I hate FEELING weak I guess. But if it helps a bit..."

It's still a little hard but hey. He knows he's lucky for it. "Because it's me." he repeats. "it IS good we've had the chance to, well, talk about all of this a little more, isn't it, now? I do half suspect Combeferre's in on some plot and has abandoned us for a while."