Hey?

[citizendamian]

To etre_libre:

Are you at work right now? I'm running on kind of weird amounts of sleep, but I could bring by a book and some coffee. The walk may do me some good.

Comments

[etre_libre]

Hey. I'm free today, so we can meet just about anywhere. Is it okay if Enjolras tags along or is that too much?

[citizendamian]

Is he - uh - worried I'll be angry with him or something? I think I'll be okay. I mean, you can reassure him that what I remember of meeting him was in his favor?

Anywhere sounds good to me. Cafe, perhaps, and we could head up and trade books at each other if the mood strikes us? What's good for your days off?

I'm totally going to fret if you're too doctoral while on a day off. Put up with me?

[etre_libre]

Oh nothing like that. More like we're not sure if...well if it brought up things that are uncomfortable, that sort of thing. I mean, stresswise and all.

But books and a cafe sound good. It'd be nice to set something up. And I can do my best not to be TOO doctoral.

I mean, I can promise nothing, but I won't bring the full first aid kit, even.

[citizendamian]

So there's a travel one? Kind of like an abbreviated shaving kit? I guess that makes sense.

I think Mervin said - what was it called? The Musain? Owned by a lady that he said was pretty nice? I could head that way and meet up with you guys? Just look for a guy who looks like a tourist?

[etre_libre]

Exactly. Less of the surgical equipment mostly. ...That sounds so gruesome, honestly. I promise I don't carry knives around most of the time or anything. Not usually anyway. ...Not like they're really something weapony anyway.

That sounds ideal. We've got a deal worked out with some space of our own, in fact, if that works out for you. And sure. Sounds like a plan to me.

[citizendamian]

One advantage of the group of them being largely students meant that getting in about the right neighborhood and having a phone was good enough for meeting up with people. Handy for study sessions too, Damian could guess. The cafes out here seem to be serving stuff on the cheap and cheerful (or chased with alcohol) point of view, which - well - at least the cheerful part is good.

Still, Damian is distracted by an expanse of mostly intact posters about various issues on a wall. Nice to see that opposition printing is pretty free out here. Angry newspapers, posters that clearly were done with wobbly woodcuts and everything.

He could buy some art for the apartment, couldn't he? Could he?

[thechief]

It never too much to get Enjolras ready to hit up the Musain's back room, that was for certain, and, generally, if he didn't have somewhere to be, he could either be found there, or preparing to head over. Today, Combeferre had slipped back to their apartment to find him and Courfeyrac peering over a calendar, attempting to discover who among their group was supposed to be attending the actual class they shared. It SEEMED to be Courfeyrac's turn, but convincing him of that took a fair bit of persuasion, and keeping Enjolras from dragging him to the law school had taken a fair amount of work too.

Invoking principle, and starting an improvised but very earnest speech about people counting on you had gotten him to actually head off though, finally, complaining about "guiltmongering", and then Enjolras and Combeferre had headed off themselves, after an explanation.


So that was something anyway. Enjolras carried a few books he thought may be of interest, and Combeferre a few others as they headed through the streets, and when he spotted the third young man, Enjolras sucked in a few breaths. Something was still wrong, wasn't it? He wasn't sure he wanted to ask, instead inclining his head in Damien's direction.

"Ah, there you are! Want me to show you to our back?"

[citizendamian]

Damian, for a second, looks a little blank before he recognizes Combeferre and then clearly recognizes Enjolras. "Both of your backs?" He's smiling. "Dr. Combeferre mentioned you had a room?"

He moves over to join them, kind of looking curiously at the books. "Damian Montechristeu, by the way. I honestly can't remember if I gave you my name the last time we met. I was happy to hear you got released."

Most of the "wrong" seems to be some tension and - slightly overly alert behavior. Bit of a shake in one hand. Slight hesitation when he's moving to join them. "I nearly messaged you, Dr. Combeferre, that you could've brought the epee along if you wanted something more weapony, but I'm guessing it's not been a problem lately?"

[etre_libre]

"I know Enjolras has MENTIONED your name." Combeferre looks thoughtful. "But that MIGHT be from Ms.Moore speaking about you."

He's admittedly a bit out of his depth when it comes to addressing how they speak about their shared experiences or similar ones or...close to it. Combeferre's had his own share of moments he doesn't want to remember, times he's been vulnerable, but those were never at someone else's mercy, and while he's been helpless before, it's never been on quite the same LEVEL, and there's usually always something to DO in medicine to keep your mind from fixating on a bad outcome and the fact your patient died on a table with mud in his stomach because he'd been starving so badly he'd needed to put something there, or watching people injured in street fights and knowing they might loose sight in an eye or their hearing might not come back perfectly or...it seems there's always more to focus on for the bad moments he's seen, anyway.

Being trapped with just your thoughts, and someone taunting you, like Damien was, and being medically traumatized as well with the bizarre results Joly had shown him in the blood results has to be...

Well. He's not sure if he'll accidentally provoke something or not if he lets them get too into the conversation here, but it's not his own call to make, is it? It may be something to ask about, later. Right now, he looks to Enjolras to direct things instead.

***

"We're through this alley." Enjolras explains, showing Damien a quick way around the back, which is thankfully rather clean. "Luckily, it's fairly nice back here. I think that no one wants to defy Madame Hucheloupe and risk her wrath." he half jokes, a faint smile on his face as he heads in that direction.

"And I was glad to find out you had gotten out. And that some of my friends had been able to speak with you. I...wasn't myself for a bit after I got back. I suspect some kind of jetlag."

Joly had had other ideas about that, but Enjolras isn't going to mention those in the face of someone who was part of it longer, himself. It may be true but it's also not strictly necessary right now. Maybe later, if they get to it in a conversation.

And he does laugh at the mention of the epee. "Luckily, our Lancelot's actually gone to class today. He may be by a little later, but I'm hoping it's with only the sword cane. He's still adjusting to removing and brandishing the thing, which gives us time to duck."

[citizendamian]

Damian chuckles. "I'm not terrible at that, I fear. I shall attempt to not wield a chair like I'm faced by a lion." He fishes in his coat. "I'm not sure how your tastes ran, but - I brought a few books from Lorena? The French should be readable in them, even if the slang is a little different."

Most of Lorena's hard copy books were paperbacks (glossy covers and greyish pages, from recycling) so tucking one in a coat inner pocket isn't hard at all. He grabbed a slightly goofy romantic mystery, a dapper mystery (which - he's pretty sure the ex-cop moustached typist was in love with the mostly unshaven detective,) and a book of poetry from Port Martin.

He's relaxing as they get in. "Yvette sent out a thing to say I was fine, and - that was still when we were on the cargo ship. I think I was hiding back with a mess of coats and blankets because it was quieter in one of the storage areas when I was chatting."

[thechief]

The books here tend toward leathery backed but rather small in size and a little thicker due to the size constaints of the pages. Actual pocket sized books, which can be fairly conveinient, though the pages are thinner than other books and a little hard to jot notes in. Not that neither of them has let the fact deter them if it's a book they're keeping or passing around to friends.

Enjolras is pulling out some of his own from a few pockets too, ducking his head a little. "Combeferre's tastes probably run closer to your own, but I've got a few favorites here as well." he confesses. "And not all that I read is pure philosopy or history despite what my friends may tell you." He runs his finger over the volume that IS, fairly fondly.

"Louis Antoine de Saint-Just. A bit towards the radical in his passions and far from reasoned in practicalities but he rather fired me up when I was young. His ideas...I think they'll help explain what's happening here. And for the rest, there are some novels...Do you know the sisters Bronte? We've managed a few writers like them of our own, who confront issues in their worlds without overtly calling anyone out enough to risk libel, and some political ideas."

And there's also another prized copy joining the list.

"And this one has persisted for quite some time in print. About the relationship between the government and media controls and whether anyone should be allowed to order a text banned. It's a story of a man forced to burn contraband materials."

Enjolras smiles, edging out a few chairs for everyone here. "That does sound like a nice idea of a place to me."

[citizendamian]

"I fear most of my political stuff wasn't Lorenan to start with or in German. Which is great if you want a sentence to stretch a paragraph, but not - necessarily portable." Damian slides his books over. "Still, I'd be interested to check out what you brought? I'm ... honestly not sure if there's anything I should avoid reading. And it's better to find out, right?"

Damian hesitates as he decides which is the good spot to sit. "Not exactly, uh - dignified, I guess, but it was comfortable." He probably shouldn't - or should he? Talk about the fact that he's been kind of hiding in the closet occasionally when it just was too bright and he didn't want to touch the light switch?

"Dr. Joly was asking me to think about ... what felt safe. Which is odd to wrap my brain around, to be honest. How are you two doing?"

[etre_libre]

"Oh I know that feeling." Combeferre laughs a bit at the mention of sentences that stretch. "Jehan's friends with a few of the Romantics. Some of their sentences can go for days. I've watched him work on commentary." he adds, a little grin on his face. "Apparently it's very long going. And German...Courfeyrac's ex roommate translates. And I think that may be a good idea. Reading is...it should be safe enough. You can stop it any time you wish to and it IS completely under your control. Would you like something to drink? Coffee or tea if we can find it?"

***

"Dignity." Enjolras shakes his head a little. "Sometimes can be found in the weirdest places. I wouldn't worry too much about that. And we've..." he stops, unsure of how to go into it. "It's felt odd, a bit disconnected from the rest of the world somehow. Do you..."

[citizendamian]

"Coffee would be -" Damian trails off and his hand's definitely shaking a little more there. "Yeah. Like you aren't really in your body."

His memories of Enjolras mostly feature the color blotches of his clothes (a necktie? cravat?) and bright hair. His voice. Hector threatening him. Sort of a crease above his eyebrows like he had a headache. Did he get drugged too? Does he have a scar on his arm - "I remember kind of - Yvette got me out and was trying to convince me to run with her toward the landing bays. I remember her hand on mine? And I felt that. But no real feeling like the rest of me was - me."

He tries a lopsided smile. He's not exactly going to say what worked for him, because ... the guy reads burrowing in a soft quiet dim corner of the ship as being dignified. Who knows what 'a hug is nice' is read as. Declaration of intent to fight to the end? "Denial? I guess. Pushing ahead when you don't want to? I found some things helped. If ... that's what you have."

[thechief]

Enjolras nods as Combeferre darts off to grab them something to start then, and he's left to wonder if this was some sort of Combeferre scheme. It has the makings of one, but it's oddly sophisticated for him to pull off without being obvious. Courfeyrac's input might be involved here, he decides, but really, that isn't that important.

Most of what he remembers from being on Lorena is vague but with not quite as much of a blur to it. He suspects that he was probably given something, because he couldn't FIGHT after a point, no matter how angry he was, and that's definitely not down to Hector's influence by any means.

Thankfully, he looks better than he did at the time, at least, with his ring back on his finger, and the hoops back in his ears and he's feeling steadier but also just...confused about the whole thing.

"It's so strange." He says now. "It's taken a lot of attempting to make sense of the experience. I was ANGRY more than anything and I still am, but there was not much to be DONE about it. I've had a lot of questions to ask myself since. And I don't have words so much as feelings about what the whole thing did to me. Ah denial." That gets a bit of a smile. "Something like that, certainly. I'm told I AM good at it."

And sometimes hugs CAN be just that, actually. Contexts are a funny thing.

[citizendamian]

"I don't -" Damian trails off. "I recognize your voice, but something -"

He takes his glasses off and - yeah, something still looks a little different. Earrings, maybe. The lights would've definitely hit them. "Either way, I'm glad you're out?"

He looks the way that Combeferre scooted off. "I think I'm getting told we should talk awkwardly." Damian runs a hand through his hair. "Skin contact. Or well - contact contact. I mean -" He's talking too fast. "It helps. Reminds me stuff is real. Gets me to focus on something. Do you still feel like you're not - here? Or not being - uh - here correctly?"

[thechief]

"Something..." Enjolras turns his head a little, and his hair is catching more light too, which probably helps with the distinction. He's also in a few more layers today, and yeah, everything else. "They DID strip me of personal effects, which probably has a bit to do with it. It seems so stupid but..." He's tugging at an earring idly. "Whenever I have lacked resolve...they remind me of someone I admire very much." he adds, looking rather solemn for a moment there, before it passes.

"it's good to see you out too. And probably. This has Courfeyrac's influence written all over it too." Enjolras adds, shaking his head a it. "And contact, contact. I can do that. I think." He's reminding himself to meet Damian's eyes here, not so much out of nerves at least as far as that goes. "I wish sorting out feelings was so easy. But yes, it's like some part of me is still somewhere else."

[citizendamian]

Damian nods. "I didn't see the earrings, I don't think." He slides his hand across the table a little. "So - what seems to help? Or are you still struggling to put words to it?"

He looks down at his hand. "The - hand thing. Yvette'd do that a lot. She had a bad heart. Still does, but it's better now? So checking pulse or holding someone's hand was - something that was a comforting thing as a kid. I was younger than her and didn't get that she was sick exactly. But I understood holding hands."

[thechief]

"They had them, and my ring." Enjolras frowns a little at the memory of that. As much as he doesn't have a lot of actual vanities as such, those things are all nearly vital to who he IS that it had felt just...wrong without them. "It's funny, how much more myself I feel. Though maybe that's why."

He doesn't tack more on there, though it's pretty clear the context, he assumes. It's a way you can strip people down, after all.

"The struggle. Being ANGRY at myself. Which I know to be completely irrational." He shakes his head a little. "I am hoping at that it passes. And ah...I can see that making sense."

[citizendamian]

Damian smiles a little. "I think it will? Joly did not think ... he spent far too long telling me that half the things I was worried about were normal."

He takes a deep breath and leans to pick up one of Enjolras' books to blindly look at the cover. He should put his glasses back on. "It helped, you know? Having someone show up who wasn't IntSec or the outside technicians with the odd uniforms. And you were instantly angry for me. I mean ... you looked at what was there and thought it wrong. I didn't have to try to get you to believe that it was wrong."

[thechief]

"They are, probably." Enjolras nods at that. "He's been telling me similar things to it, honestly. Not about the anger but about FEELINGS and things." He hasn't shared that much information with anybody really. He hasn't wanted to be a bother, after all.

"It was good not to be alone." Enjolras speaks quietly, but there's a lot of force with the words. "I would not have managed well alone, I think. And I had to be angry. They were doing something wrong that you did not deserve. Why would I not?"

[citizendamian]

Damian tucks his glasses back on and eyes the room. He could suggest - but - moving toward a corner to lie low might not be what Enjolras would like. "Feelings? I'm not really sure how I should feel. I mean ...."

He gestures. "Give me half a chance, and I'd happily try to tell you everything I'm angry about or happy about, and at the same time, right now, I'd kind of want to tug the chairs to a corner and hide half behind you like that'd change things. At once. I think that's - not normal, but not wrong?"

He's trying to find words for it. "Like if you burn yourself, the next time you touch the pan carefully? And yet, you still probably swear at it at the time?"

[thechief]

"I think...that IS part of it, yes." Enjolras agrees, nodding firmly. "It's as though being angry feels wrong, but I have no idea what I might even start replacing it with." That makes sense, doesn't it? "I think Joly would say there IS no one way to feel about this sort of thing. That it's to do with having experienced something harmful..." He's trying to remember the words used after their first group rally went out of hand and a few people had gotten rather seriously hurt, mostly notably Bahorel and Bossuet and Courfeyrac.

"I can certainly listen," He adds, smiling. "Or run into the corner with you. Whichever one might help more. And that...I do know what you mean. Being careful doesn't stop the burn."

[citizendamian]

"Sometimes you're just angry because it - I think Yvette is. She's angry that I suddenly lost a couple weeks, my job, my home -" His bank accounts, though a lot of that was in company stock.

Damian smiles at him. "But - angry too that it's change. Even if it's better. Here is not Lorena Station. Probably ten times better for my health. And well - I've got a future that isn't a narrow dating pool of the other families or imported technicians or the miners." Or going down to Port Martin, like his father.

"It feels like I'm being selfish. Wanting to wake up to a heavy fog day and the curtains glowing green from the light outside." Damian reaches over to pat nearish Enjolras' hand. "But it's something that's there. I miss home. I'd probably be useless if I went back there. Maybe it'll turn to sadness or something like that, but - it's valid and a real thing to admit that I'm mad."

[thechief]

"Angry that it's change..." Enjolras repeats, mulling that over thoughtfully. "It's strange. So much as we say that we WANT there to be changes in a world, often, the ones that we can't control...I see what you mean." he muses. "It's as though things slipped from our grasp a little, isn't it? If there is one thing I hate it IS being at the mercy of anyone, or forced to rely on them." he adds. "This HAS prompted a lot of that. My friends are not much inclined to leave me alone either. It's new that they care so much. I can appreciate the fact but..." He makes a little face. "it IS different." And it's a difference he didn't authorize.

This is the fear that people have about the revolution, he supposes. That enough of the people won't consent and will be forced to adapt to a new world as well. It's somewhat eye opening and not what he's learned from others about this sort of thing. It's certainly nothing he and anyone in the order have discussed before, but maybe they should start. It's definitely something for les amis to approach, themselves, when it comes to collateral damages alone.

"Even if it IS better." he agrees, his voice a little firmer now with that resolve. "In a disgusting way, I've got a bit more publicity now myself, and more of a platform." he adds, shaking his head a small bit. "And it feels the same to me, wanting to finish the assignment properly, to take off right away on more, when I should be relieved I was returned unhurt and well. I can't help but feel as if a chance at changing things was snatched away, or that I let it slip, and that fails even you. You're someone I should never...not after what you went through."

Maybe that's it then.

Idly, Enjolras wonders where Combeferre's gone off to. It usually doesn't take THIS long for the shop to brew anything, especially something simple. He's starting to smell a bit more of a rat.

[citizendamian]

"And had you stayed? They could have tried to turn us against each other. Which would've been comedic, in a horrible way." Damian's smile is a little awkward. "There's no shame in relying on people. Even if you just let them have a little, they feel like you're safer, and you have something."

He gestures vaguely in the way that Combeferre ran off. "I wouldn't have done this back on Lorena. Mostly because we probably would've had someone poking their head in by now or someone casually sitting down to listen in. But - it's different. And it's a good different. If we were sitting on crates and drinking watered down cold coffee, it's still - not be bad. Because it's you."

Damian flashes a half smile. "So should I try to find out where Combeferre ended up? Make sure no one tried to bleed on him on a day off?"

[thechief]

"They well could have. And I would not have emerged able to do anyone much good after too much." Enjolras nods. "I suppose I simply feel as though I ought have done more. Feelings." He shakes his head. "I suppose it COULD have been amusing in a way. One of those 'well, this is something we should have anticipated' sort of things. And perhaps not. I hate FEELING weak I guess. But if it helps a bit..."

It's still a little hard but hey. He knows he's lucky for it. "Because it's me." he repeats. "it IS good we've had the chance to, well, talk about all of this a little more, isn't it, now? I do half suspect Combeferre's in on some plot and has abandoned us for a while."